Aug. 25/07 – I’ve been out here in the patio for several hours amazed at the vastness of the ocean and the natural wonders it protects. The ocean secures them. But the ocean does not seem to succeed in making me feel secured. The fact is it has even brought back some not-so-pleasant memories…
I have always loved to challenge myself. True, my Ex-es hurt me a lot so I ended up being obsessed at proving them wrong. I admit I sucked in the love department so, after all the experiences I’ve had, I have totally avoided it by committing all my time and energy to my children and making $ over the last few years.
I still remember being on a 6-digit negative in 1995 then again in 1999 then another episode after my divorce in May/02. Instead of it allowing it to pull me down and pushing me to wallow in self-pity, I challenged myself to bounce back, recoup what I lost and even make more. This time, the goal was no longer to prove myself to my ex-es but to prove me to myself. They had completely been erased from my perspective. What a narrow path I had to tread on. What a bumpy ride it has been. And what it has brought me to now. Gratefully, I exceeded my target.
But what I didn’t prepare myself for is the other side of the spectrum: the lonely feelings I have today. I thought the comforts that money could give could also give me the inner satisfaction and happiness I so desire. I thought wrong. Indeed, money can’t buy happiness. I may be in this cruise with the people I dearly love yet it feels I am not with them. It feels that I am alone in the vast ocean.
I am prepared to grow apart from my mom, my siblings and close friends but I am not prepared to lose the closeness I have with my children. I am not prepared not to be able to give them what they really need and what they really want.
It really sucks to feel “lonely” in a crowd of people who were once very close to you.
Making $ is no longer a challenge for me because that’s how unfair life is – the more you have, the easier it is to make more – there is no end!! So I am gonna put an end to it myself, to hopefully spare some time to find other meaningful things to my life… to un-stress myself so I can invest more time to spend with those that are important to me… It’s a decision I made during this cruise that I know I won’t regret…. a decision that the vastness of the ocean helped me make.
On the cruise: the vast ocean = 3