I came home from the 1 month Africa trip on May 7/15 and experienced the worst jet lag ever. So, it has really been a tough week fighting both jet lag and depression. NOT fun! Not at all! At the end of 7 days, I got sick of myself for being under the blanket for 18 out of 24 hours a day, so I forced myself to get out of bed. To help bring myself back to me, I went to hot yoga and sauna to sweat.
Then the next day, Deon came home for the long weekend. His energy was magical! He was very sweet too! I really enjoyed taking him and Kel out for dinner. I enjoyed our conversation very much.
During dinner, De told me he needed my help with his school project. I laughed at this and asked, “Me help you academically?” But, then he said, “Yes, you can definitely help” because it’s help with giving him tips on doing a “business plans”. Lol.
Then after dinner, it felt really great to see how cooperative my 2 boys were to help move all the used patio furniture down by the swimming pool to the front of the house. As I helped to move the furniture, I heard the boys, at different times, tell each other, “Go and help mom’s side.” This really warmed my heart as I felt their concern that the furniture was too heavy for me. All of a sudden, I felt full of love again. And I am reminded that “it’s all worth it at the end of the day,” referring to the stress and sacrifice that came with being a single mother. We ended the night nicely with watching a great movie together on my bed. This is something we haven’t done in a long time and this made me really happy. De kissed me good night and turned off my lights for me. I went to bed with a warm smile for the first time in a very long time. And I had a great deep sleep for the first time in a very long time too! I guess “mothers” will always be the easiest people to please at the end of any day! 🙂
Over the last few years, I felt Vancouver has become a place where there were more painful memories than joyful ones, enough to motivate me to not continue to live here. But now I am reminded again that “family” is indeed still my highest value. And this city is where my family belongs. Yes, I can travel and keep exploring the world, but that won’t help me build a closer bond with my kids, my mom and the rest of my family. I came to accept that deep inside, I really long to have an intimate relationship with all my 3 kids, yet if I am not here, then how do I make that happen? Is it more important for me to live where there’s no rain but sun all the time outside in order to “feel OK inside” or is it more important for me to find the sunshine inside me regardless of what the outside weather actually is? At the end of the day, I just want to love and to feel loved by the people who I care about the most. I haven’t felt that way most of the time, because I haven’t really put in enough time and effort to build it and to nurture it yet. I have taught my kids the business side and the responsibility side of our life really well. Yet, at the same time, I felt that while they were growing up, they also learnt to suppress their emotional side by witnessing how I did it myself. It’s like teaching one good thing and one bad thing at the same time.
While Kel and Jo were growing up, I was always chasing the buck thinking that being a provider is my way to express my unconditional love for them, therefore I barely had time to create intimacy and bonding with them. I was 38 when I realized that lost time can not be replaced which was why I decided to not make the same mistake again with Deon. This is the one big reason that I took him off regular school and went traveling the world with me. For me, that was bonding taken to a level higher. The underside is that while I was bonding with Deon, I wasn’t here for Kel and Jo during those 2 years. I guess you can’t really have your cake and eat it, too. While my relationship with Deon improved after our travel, I also felt more distanced from Kel and Jo. Now that I think about it, the kind of relationship that I have with them now, one that I really want improved, really makes sense: I wasn’t around for them for so long.
My passion for travel hasn’t changed and my goal to reach 100 countries before I die hasn’t changed either. But I have decided that it’s time to re-prioritize my values now. I will continue to travel but it will just be a few days to a couple of weeks each time only instead of months at a time.
And so, it has been another epiphany today: I will put myself and my desire to escape Vancouver behind and I will put my family’s well being first and being here is the most realistic thing I should do so that I can have a better chance of creating a warm home that I have always longed for. When I succeed in that, then I won’t feel Vancouver is not my home anymore. Even though Kel and Jo are very busy with their own lives but if I make them feel that I am still available for them and willing to go on standby waiting for them, then I am sure in time, they will find time to spend with me.
Looking back on the different emotions I experienced this past week has been incredible. I have been diarizing the different thoughts and emotions I had during my first week home so I can read them back later on. And that “later on” is now. Here’s that list:
– I lost the fire inside me completely… I am struggling and I am trying to fight but I ran out of energy now. I feel so weak emotionally, mentally and physically. Don’t feel like going out. Don’t feel like seeing anyone. Don’t wanna cry anymore. Only want to sleep and hope that when I wake up, things will have changed magically on their own or the world will have vanished completely….
– I miss the fire in me. I miss the passion I come with. I feel like a walking dead. Totally soul-less.
– I feel like I have been denying so much of my reality and actually running away from it. Feel completely helpless and hopeless about life and about the future.
– Is this only depression that I am fighting? Or could I be going through menopause? Or could it be mid-life crisis?
– I cried so much over the last 6 weeks. But I feel like the tears has gone dry but the pain has not completely gone. I feel I failed in every area including being a daughter, being a mom, being a friend, being partner.
– Depression is another experience just like pain. I don’t mind it but I feel that I am done experiencing that.
– Changes happen all the time. Self-acceptance is the key. But it’s a process. And my process feels intense right now.
– Just finished signing the listing to sell this house. But a crazy thought that popped up was ‘how light would I feel” by the time this house sells? By then, I will be totally detached from everything in Vancouver. I will down size to my 28” inch suitcase and free to go wherever!
– I have been working to accumulate material possessions all my life and finally came to here where I just can’t wait to feel completely light and free.
– Would I really enjoy being completely baggage free? Would I find a different level of joy by then? Can the essence of Amy be changed? If not, then when will I find the old Amy again? The Amy that is full of ambition and fire and passion. But if that Amy never comes back and in return, “traded” for a simple joyful new Amy then don’t I deserve to be congratulated?
I want to give tribute to my children who inspired me to change the way I think of my life now. They are the joy of my life, and they have the power to light up my soul. I am once again feeling energy, hope and motivation because of my love for them. I also feel that this new direction will be felt by my nearest and dearest as well.