Home Sick Again – Nov. 25/14 = 5

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Feeling homesick for the first time in quite a few years now..…

It’s exactly 2 weeks since I got to sunny Arizona with the intention of making this place my new winter home because of the Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) that the doctor confirmed I had so she told me the choice was either to take depression pills or go somewhere sunny during the winter months.  SAD really means winter depression due to lack of sunlight.  Here, the weather has been perfect everyday, bright blue sky and 20-24 degrees everyday.

However, tonight, during the 80-min hot yoga class, I suddenly asked myself, “What am I doing here”?  My mom is not here.  My kids are not here.  My closest friends are not here.  Oh, sure, I am smiling to perfect weather every morning but is that enough to justify being here and being here alone? Or, am I just crafting the fact that I am lonely?  So far, I have been very busy for the last 2 weeks straight so I didn’t have a chance to feel bored, but what I am experiencing now is not boredom but a deep sense of emptiness.  Do I have to go through these 2 weeks to realize that I miss my family and close friends?

Thinking of ways to help me get over my feeling of loneliness, I decided to watch a HK soap opera,  since it’s been so long since I last watched a one.  I sure felt a lot better by the time I woke up the next morning.

I realized that it was good that those questions popped up last night, despite them coming belatedly, because they would make my future decision making more solid.

I am feeling especially grateful this morning about the 22 degree and sunshine while there’s a snow storm in east coast and pouring rain in the west coast.

I just realized that now, at 44, this is the first time I have ever lived on my own.  I got married at 16 then became a mother by 20 therefore never got a chance to actually live alone until now.  Crazy late start, eh?  But honestly I can’t say I don’t like it.  I love my car, I love my house, I love my place looking exactly the same as how I left it.  I love my freedom of when to eat and what to eat.  Last night’s yoga session did leave me with some doubts and questions but still it doesn’t change the fact I do enjoy my new place here in sunny AZ very much.

Home will always be Vancouver but it’s such a privilege to be able to get out of there 4-5 months a year during the winter time.  I miss my loved ones but they are always close to my heart so it doesn’t matter where I am physically.

I don’t know if I had made a right choice to make Arizona my winter home but I do know I won’t stop exploring my options and experiencing life to the fullest.  We all have to walk our own path!

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