Here I am in Cape Town, South Africa to witness the wedding of Deon and Stephanie. It was such a beautiful ceremony. After spending 3 days with them, hearing about and learning from their love story, I felt so inspired. Suddenly, I felt that there’s hope and that I can trust in “love” again.
What would it be like to love “irresponsibly” for a change? All my life, I have always forged relationship using my brain before my heart. I have always viewed being lead by the heart as irresponsible, but never the less I have always wondered what life would be like for me, if I just allowed myself to love freely. I have struggled to balance being lead by my heart and my brain. I saw being lead by my brain as responsible. All this time, my relationships have always come with conditions and expectations. And I have failed. While some of those that I know that loved with their heart first before their brain have been successful.
Both the bride and groom’s speech were very moving. The 2 highlights that moved me was the poem Deon read to Stephanie which includes something like her heart never leaves him no matter what he is doing, where he is or who he is with. The 2nd part was for the 363 days they have known each other they have only been absent from each other’s presence for 3 of those days. It gave me an epiphany actually! And that was the realization of the difference between a “want” and “need”. Witnessing “lovey dovey” couples being “too attached” frightened me because I assume it be a “need”. Needs therefore have a very negative connotation. Needs imply great dependency and weakness, which is unhealthy. But what if it’s not a need and it’s just a “want or a choice”? Would it not be considered to be pure love, joy and sweetness? I was thinking, when love finds me again then of course I would just want to see him everyday and wake up in his arms every morning. What is so scary about that? That is when I knew my values have shifted… or my fears have now disappeared….
Now at 44 and with all my kids grown up, do I owe it to myself to try something I have never tried before: To love with the heart before the brain and to allow myself to love irresponsibly? Come to think of it, is that really being irresponsible? Will I really be irresponsible if I allow my heart to rule me?
Watching the beautiful sunsets and sunrises during my time in Cape Town alone, I have been fantasizing on how amazing it would be to be enjoying this scenery with someone I love. What’s more beautiful than waking up in his arms everyday and feeling the morning kiss and hearing the soft whisper of “Good morning, Babe”? Isn’t it romantic? Isn’t this ideal? Is it irresponsible?
I used to have restrictions on the “where” and the “who” and the “how.” Now, I feel I can drop all of that because the “where” can happen anywhere, especially since there are sunsets and sunrises anywhere in the world. The “who” would be someone that is in my mind the first thing in the morning and the last thing at night and all the time in between. The “how” is easy because if he is not flexible to come to me, then I am willing to go to him since I am not attached to any city anymore. I am prepared to put in my honest effort to be the Mrs. Right because that is what it takes to be with a Mr. Right. It’s not by accident. It’s not by faith. There is a lot of work required to nurture a healthy and lasting relationship which includes joy, love, happiness, growing pains, and frustrations at times too.
Finally, for the first time, I am able to resonate to what my 2 girl friends, Isa and Cathy, once told me: “as long as you find the right guy, then it really doesn’t matter where you are because all you want, is to be with him”.
Realizing this is wonderful. Acknowledging this is very liberating. Suddenly I feel empowered. I am no longer fearful to love and be loved. I don’t know when “he” will show up. But what I do know is when he shows up, he will win my heart and carry my heart in his heart. Choosing to love will allow me to experience the feelings of being loved and I will be ready to love him unconditionally. From there on I will make it my mission to be the person he is grateful and proud of to be with, for he has chosen me… Since I will be proud to shout out to the world: “I have finally found my man!”
Now that I am ready, I believe LOVE will find me. 🙂