Apr 13/08 – I have always accepted that I am weak in the “empathy” department therefore I decided to join the EQ “Empathy” camp this year. EQ is a “self-discovery” camp for the purpose of “personal growth.”
I have been attending EQ Wise Center for personal growth courses since September 2002. I’ve always known that money is not be the ultimate thing that gives me happiness. I know that what will bring me true happiness is when I’ve dealt with my hurts and healed my scars. But before then, I need all the tools that I can have to “manage” myself. And so, I’ve been attending the weekly EQ classes since then. I have certainly started to feel the “healing process” taking place. Now, I can say that I am once again growing.
Every year, EQ holds camps for the participants. For this year, the camp was in Vancouver Island and we were there for 3 days. It was a difficult 3-day journey; it seemed long. Our teacher took us to a dark area in the camp for meditation and reflection. We aimed to look into ourselves and discovery our darkest sides. Suddenly, all the pain seemed like water gushing forth from a dam. What a relief after. What are a realization it was.
Apr 14/08
I have been home from the “empathy camp” for 28 hrs now and have been crying on and off since then. That there is definitely pain in growth is indeed a true statement.
Indeed, it is so much easier to “blame” others than to blame yourself for anything that goes wrong with your life. Likewise, it is not easy to “admit” to yourself your “dark” sides. At the camp, one of the programs was designed to give us “mirrors” so we can see ourselves. And I mean “mirrors,” not just one. I came to realize that what I had truly believed in all these years is wrong; that my expressions and manifestations of love is also wrong. The reality is that I have never really “listened” or “asked” what my “loved” ones really wanted from me. Instead, I have just been assuming that my perception of what they want or need from me are correct and therefore I have been doing what I believe might be best for all those I cared for. I realized that I could be giving my loved ones material things when they could be giving more value to simply just my presence. I realized that they could be needing “me” as a person, not as the provider. Such a controlling freak am I thinking that they actually need what I think they do. Yuk!!!
I had so many mixed feelings and so many doubts that I needed to sort out within myself. Therefore I thought it best to take “time-out” from everyone and everything so that I can really take the time to reflect on my inner thoughts out on my own…….
I genuinely do love you all and I am sorry for being so “self-centered” all along….. I will definitely learn to “listen with my heart and let down my judgment” when I talk to everyone again…..
Continuing my personal growth alone and continuing to view myself through what seemed like a kaleidoscope, I distanced myself from everyone and everything for 8 days, shedding many tears while trying to clarify my many inner emotions and feelings. I went through many negative thoughts about myself and others. I talked to my counselor, EQ teachers, classmates and Kam among others.
I have no regrets for going to the camp because it made me realize a lot more things and made me see my “dark side.” I finally accepted it. I know that I am on the right track towards healing. I intend to apply my “positive thinking” as I continue to learn and grow…..
Together with this decision of rising above my situation, I decided to have a major hair change – had a 12″ hair extension. Having my hair done is what I usually do when I contemplate on a big-time change in my life.
Change is good – physically, emotionally and psychologically. It makes you deal with your past and pushes you to move forward with no extra baggage.