May 26/09 – Regan d’Andrade was my writing teacher back then. She is such a good teacher that she was able to inspire me and made me look at writing in a different way. I confided in her that though I enrolled in the course, I didn’t actually believe that I was creative enough to be able to write, and write my Mom’s story at that. She contradicted me saying that the fact I was a successful entrepreneur confirmed that I must be creative but that I was not just using the creativity in writing. That was encouraging enough for me.
In one of our writing classes, we were asked to come up with list of events that we considered turning points in our lives and list of our desires. Here below is what I included in my “desire.”
– I wanted the world not to look down on me for being fatherless
– I wanted to be a young mom and I wanted to prove that even without university degree, I would be the one to make the most money among the 4 siblings
– I wanted to drive a BMW before 25 years old
– I wanted to drive a Mercedes before 30 years old
– I wanted to prove to my X that even without his financial support, I was capable of providing a very good life style to my kids
– I wanted to prove to everyone the decision I made to walk away from an unhappy marriage was the right choice for me
– I wanted to be financially independent
– I wanted to be a self-made multi-millionaire
– I want my kids to be proud of me
– I want to be proud of my kids
– I want the kids to become well-rounded, capable, and independent persons
– I want my Mom and my kids to always be happy
– I want to find the true meaning of life
– I want to find the true meaning of joy
– I want to find the true meaning of love
Then, we were asked to pick one from each list and do the following exercise. The whole idea of the exercise is to create a mini-story by answering the questions. Thus, a reader is expected to read the story but not the questions.
Exercise #1 – 5 mins of writing – what did you desire in your life before this event occurred?
I thought that arriving in Canada in 1979 was going to be the beginning of a new life for myself and my family, like being reborn in heaven. But that dream only lasted a year before we found out Dad had been diagnosed with a deadly disease, cancer.
Being fatherless at the age of 12 made me feel ashamed. I was picturing everyone looking down at me, therefore I was determined to prove to the world that I would become equal with or even greater than those with a Dad…
Exercise #2 -When and how did this desire begin or intensify significantly?
After Dad died, Uncle Andy was the first one who taught me that we must have a goal in order to succeed. He told me to picture my goal as a light from far away, that all I need to do was target that light and to keep moving towards it, that eventually I would reach my destination. Ever since then, I have applied this rule to all the future paths of my life…
Exercise #3 – Did you have a struggle in trying to fulfil this desire?
My goal was to be happily married for the rest of my life but my first marriage lasted only 7 years. During those 7 years, I went to see 3 different psychologists to try and save my marriage but none was able to save it.
After being in “silent war” and sleeping in separate rooms with Ricky for a year, I woke up one day asking myself if I wanted to wake up at 34 and be asking myself “why the F… did you not leave 10 years ago?” The me on the mirror said hell NO. That was the day I went and told my X “let’s go our separate ways.” He agreed on the spot because he had too much pride to ask me to reconsider….
Exercise #4 – Did you learn anything from the struggle?
I learned not to be so stubborn because at the end of the day, my own happiness was way more important than how the rest of the world looked at me. No one would be crying for me but me…
Life is too short to stay unhappy. I knew then that kids will feel it even when the parents pretend to be happy. And I don’t believe that it is healthy for kids to grow up in an unhappy marriage environment.
Exercise #5 – How did you change after the pivotal event?
I decided that since I chose to become a single mom, I would make sure that I put my kids’ well being as my priority since it was my choice to bring them to this world and my divorce wasn’t their fault.
I believed that in order to give them a good life and a good education, I needed money since I knew I couldn’t rely on their Dad for helping out yet I wasn’t prepared to bring him to court to fight for any support. I chose to save the energy and to think of how to make more money on my own instead of getting all ugly in court and putting the kids through the experience of court scenes. I that it was in everyone’s best interest to just let go and move forward.
I stayed totally focused on how to make a lot of money.
Exercise #6 – What did you do that indicated this change?
I worked 18 hours a day because I was only earning from commission from the bank I was in business with. That meant that every appointment meant more income for me. On top of that, I sold used cars, diamonds, furniture, etc. Basically, I did or sold anything that could give me money, except for selling my body and drugs.
Exercise #7 – What did you realize when this stage came to an end?
I realized that I had missed out on a lot of things such as quality time with my 2 older kids and that there was no turning the clock back. I realized that I had neglected a lot of things during the process of reaching for my goal. Perhaps the end result wasn’t as important as I thought it would be after all…
Exercise #8 -What do you perceive now as you remember it?
I accept there are many stages to life. As we grow older, we become wiser and we see things in a different way. If I had a chance to do it again, I would probably balance my time better. I really don’t need to retire at 38 so had I used less time and energy to chase the buck, then I would have had a lot extra time to spend with my 2 older children while they were growing up. But then, given the circumstances back then, I don’t even know if that was an option for me…. and I will never find out either….