I am on the plane now leaving NY to Arizona. I have no problem saying goodbye to NY because I can’t see myself wanting to ever come back here again. The is the 2nd time I feel so strongly about not wanting to come back to a place.
I had actually been crying all day today before this going on this flight because I felt very “undeserving.” And the feeling continues.
I feel like I don’t deserve being loved, I don’t deserve being trusted, I don’t deserve to be a mom or be in a relationship. I feel like I just don’t deserve anything in life anymore. I feel deep sadness from the inside that no words can just express the pain. I feel I had trusted many wrong people in my life that I am now having doubts about my ability to judge people, and to make any more judgments altogether. I feel that no one can ever understand me but Kam. I left him a bunch of messages on WeChat explaining what’s been happening to me lately. But then, I won’t hear from him till 5 hours after.
I suspect I have depression and not just S.A.D (Seasonal Affective Disorder).
I hope my sadness will be gone as soon I get back to warm and sunny Arizona. I hope I won’t be crying so easily anymore. I hope I can manage my emotions without having to go and take depression pills. I plan to go to hot yoga, hike and take zumba lessons. I will also go out and be more active in the local community as I really want a fresh start in this city.