I have been seeing a counselor since early January 2008. Of the many things I learnt from Debra, the counselor, this is one thing that I finally understood today …..
“I like to be with someone with whom I can ‘experience’ peace of mind” instead of “I am looking for someone to ‘give me’ a peace of mind.”
“I am looking for someone with whom I can ‘experience’ happiness or deep love” instead of “I am looking for someone to ‘make me happy.'”
Both happiness and peace of mind can not be asked for. It’s only from the self. It is such a great feeling to finally “understand” the difference between the two.
April 24/08 – Debra says “You can not experience any deep feeling if you don’t already have it in you. It doesn’t mean, however, that you feel it all the time. It’s like you can’t see something if you don’t know that something yet. If you don’t know about something you won’t see it either”.
July 17/08 section with Debra – Lines to reject secret admirers
It is so ironic that, it is in this counseling session that I realized what lines to use to politely and gently turn down admirers:
– I am not finding the feelings inside of me that make me think that this could turn into an intimate or long term relationship. However I do enjoy your friendship.
– The feelings that are needed for me to commit just aren’t there.
– The energy is just not there for me.
– Because my own kids are grown up therefore I feel that I want to be with someone who isn’t involved with young children.
At this point in time, I don’t think marriage has a meaning for me in terms of a committed relationship. It’s NOT a “value” for me for my own life. However, I do want to “respect” it as one of your values and beliefs.
NOTES TO REMEMBER:
If we make decision out of “fear” to love – we “defend” things. We are usually afraid of something otherwise we don’t need to get all worked up about it.
“Anger is just a cover up for fear or sadness or injustice.”
If we make decision because of “value,” then we just “declare” it in a peaceful and calm way, because there is nothing to be defended.
Sept 5/08 section with Debra
“Intimate relationship will trigger an old memory/scars/hurt.”
In an intimate relationship, it is when I feel safe enough that the old scars come up so I can lift them up and heal the wound. So, I think that an intimate relationship actually helps bring all old scars up for healing. We need to choose someone who can be compassionate, that is, someone who will hold (accept) our scars with love and patience instead of “traumatizing” us one more by rejecting us, that is, by abandoning us instead of accepting us and our realities.
Ways to help self-heal when scars come up:
- Accept it, acknowledge it.
- Send a lot of love to that wound
- Release it (willfully let it go)
- Forgive yourself and the person who has hurt you
When something triggers, 2 choices of dealing with it
- “React” via FIGHT (yelling) FLIGHT (run away) FREEZE (numb)
- “Response” (bring the thinking brain in and deal with it)
Obviously option 2 is better.
Last session with Debra on Nov 6/08
I finished my 5day ESP on Oct 19/08. I feel I don’t need to be seeing Debra again but decided to go in to say goodbye to her today. She was very happy to see how much I had grown since 10 months ago…. She said that I am now starting my road to find “the meaning of life.”
The last thing she taught me today when I didn’t know how to describe my feelings after the ESP was… “I just have a sense of knowing”……
I am glad to have found her 7 years ago as my marriage counselor. I saw her for 8 months back then and went back to seeing her in January of this year. I had learnt a lot from her. We ended the section beautifully. She told me I was a very rare client and invited me to drop her a line every now and then….